One Last Try
Updated: Sep 6
I need a break. 📵
I asked ChatGPT to help me organize a business visual - where do I start?
Which inspired me to write my own first steps - to make it real.
Sept 3, 2026
TO DO
laundry
Chefs Plate meal prep
re-organize guest room / work space.
toy room
decide, print and hang photos.
wash bedding
re-organize kitchen for convenience
*everything else is secondary (think of home as business.)
HOME:
When I am calm, she is calm.
Healthy mom, healthy baby.
When I am calm, she is calm.
When I am calm, they are calm.
Happy mom, happy baby.
She is a reflection of me.
I am her emotional regulation for the first year - and more.
Sept 5, 2026
I listened to this song a lot throughout the week I broke up with David.
He did it first.
It was a year in and I was with my family, on our first trip to Disney Land.
We were 17.
My sister's boyfriend told him not to do it, then warned my sister.
She kept me away from my phone all day.
It was the best day of our whole trip.
Until we sat down for dinner.
And I opened my phone.
To a message that said he was taking his stuff.
It was over.
We stayed up late on the phone, New Years Eve.
Before the clock struck 12, we were back on good terms.
And obviously still together.
He gave me a chance to explain what he saw.
Mine was a year later.
I was in the middle of a body dysmorphia crisis.
I thought he was too good for me.
I was incredibly rude to him while suffering through my own emotions.
Honesty, I was being a b*tch.
One night I sadly told him what I thought was better for us.
He argued me, but I shut down.
He spent the following week meeting my sister for dessert and visiting my mom in her daycare.
He couldn't understand.
It was the saddest week I've ever had in my life.
_______
We started going for walks, in the evening.
I still liked him - but my mind was telling me I had to do it.
Until he convinced me
And we decided to try again.
After that I could confidently say I loved him.
And knew I wasn't going anywhere.
I got my dream answered a long time ago. I was 16 years old and actually got a Prince Charming, like a good one.
I just didn't know it was gonna be Li Shang.
We met through mutual friends at a Friday evening Youth Group when we were 13.
His best friend got expelled from his school and sent to mine.
He's one of my favourite people.
He arrived at our school the year I needed a friend.
There were a group of us who liked David.
We stayed up late nights on the phone with him.
He started dating a different girl.
I probably told myself I wasn't good enough.
Once we decided try agin,
I told him everything.
How I'd been feeling,
the things I thought of myself.
Then I wrote letters, one for him and another for my mom.
I explained everything.
How I'd been feeling,
the things I'd been telling myself.
Through my mom's suggestion, I went to a counsellor.
I sat in her office for 60 minutes, speaking out loud everything I'd discovered about myself through journalling.
I felt so much lighter afterwards, I never went back.
I didn't even giver her a chance to speak,
I just needed to hear my own thoughts out loud.
Sometimes, while staring at our daughter or feeling our baby breathe as she lay on my chest,
I let myself think about how much I love them.
And then it scares me.
Because when you really let yourself go there, feel how much love is available in this connection,
the thought of losing it is the most terrifying feeling in the world.
. . .
When I saw my first psychic one of my main questions was, who dies first?
Me or him.
I want to be prepared if I have to live life without him, because I know I would still need to function but I don't know how I would do it.
She said not to worry, we both live long and happy lives, together.
And one goes not too long after the other. Probably because we don't want to be apart.
(The baby is awake beside me, so I paused the playlist, took off the headphones and am playing other songs through the speaker.)
This is the one that was just playing to spark that thought:
She laughs in her sleep a lot.
It's so cute.
There is nothing more heart warming and entertaining than watching the faces babies make while asleep. I feel very lucky to be able to hold her in my arms and be with her while she rests.
At 18 years old, I volunteered at a Christian Women's Recovery House.
It was my practicum while studying for Community Support Worker.
I wanted to help girls with eating disorders.
I didn't realize I was the girl with the eating disorder, who was about to get saved by the addicts.
One day at the house, grabbing Chicken Soup for the Soul, I sat down to read.
The story I opened was about a women's recovery from her eating disorder.
She referred to it as E.D which I read as Ed.
And suddenly everything made sense.
ED.
Ed is the one who told me I was too fat, not pretty, not good enough, not smart, not capable, didn't fit in, couldn't afford, etc.
Not meeeee.
I saw the voice and me as separate.
Like Ed was just a voice living in my head - it wasn't the real me.
Does that make sense?
I started visualizing myself turning the volume on Ed's microphone down,
And turning UP the volume on mine.
I constantly interrupted the thought and replaced it with better thoughts.
That's literally all you have to do.
Trust me,
Life will begin to work in your favour.
We knew this guy whose dad took care of him his whole life.
Until he was 40 years old and his dad died.
That's around the time my sister met him.
She unknowingly stepped into the missing role.
She did everything she could, including jumped through hoops to help him into recovery.
She worked so hard to get him in, and then he left.
So she did too.
He still calls her once in a while, whenever he can afford minutes for his phone.
He lives on the street now.
However, he seems happy, has not gone deeper into addiction and built himself an impressive tent home.
He owned the mother, and grandmother, of my cat.
The guy who used to deliver to my old house, told me one day that he was 10 years sober.
We stood outside my front door while he told me how grateful he is every morning to wake up to another day. He has the utmost respect for his wife, who stayed by his side even when he didn't deserve it. He gave me a very motivational speech about life, and I won't forget him.
That friend who got transferred to my school when I needed him, we weren't sure if he was getting back on track - it went far to the side.
He's sober now, married and a devoted father who lives with incredible presence.
Last weekend we celebrated my aunt being done treatment and in the clear.
Two years ago they told her she had stage 4 lung cancer.
She had no doubt in her mind that she would beat it.
Considering she's already done it once before with breast cancer.
And she was right.
I didn't like the reflection I saw in the mirror.
I criticized the image and worked very hard to change it.
A couple years ago I lost weight and hit the number I wanted.
It wasn't through healthy habit
it was because I was sad.
When I'm sad, I don't take care of myself properly.
And even though I got the result I wanted on the outside,
I still felt bad on the inside.
I'm terrified of gaining weight.
I was worried how I would feel on the other side of pregnancy.
So far, I'm doing good.
I'm up from where I would like to be, but when I look in the mirror I'm not mad at it.
I think about what I should be doing to get to that number,
but then I cuddle with my baby and forget.
I gave myself a 6 week grace period.
Today is week 5.
During my study, I had a RTT (Rapid Transformational Therapy) session on the subject.
BODY IMAGE
Why am I so hard on myself?
Where did this come from?
Why is weight such a thing for me?
Thinking about, I'm afraid to gain weight...
The first scene that popped into my mind, was watching the movie: What's Eating Gilbert Grape.
I loved it as a kid.
As I closed my eyes, travelling back to the time, event and place when this fear first began...
an image popped into my mind of being so overweight that they needed to remove my body by crane.
"It's gonna take a crane to get her out. There's gonna be a crowd."
________
In the movie, they did not remove her by crane,
they burned the whole house down.
AI Overview
In What's Eating Gilbert Grape, the family burns down their house with their deceased mother, Bonnie, inside to protect her dignity and prevent her body from becoming a public spectacle.
So it's not actually what I saw that formed the fear,
it was the image my mind created through what it heard.
Did you know,
when you are pregnant, you create an entire organ that is entirely for the baby.
During labor, after the organ is shed:
"The wound left inside the uterus after the placenta detaches is roughly the size of a small dinner plate or a side plate, measuring about 7 to 9 inches (or 18 to 22 cm) in diameter."
That's why you need 6 weeks to recover.
While pregnant, your body takes everything you are getting, and gives the best of it to the baby.
That's why you need to eat a little more and nourish yourself.
After pregnancy if you choose to breast feed any milk at all, the body takes everything you are getting and gives the best of it to the baby.
Your body is so smart, it takes care of your baby for you.
YOUR JOB is to take care of yourself.
The hardest part of parenting is communication.
I know I'm supposed to know what you want, but I don't know what you want.
They talk to you.
Even newborns.
You just have to learn their language.
She puts her hand by her face,
That's the first sign I notice.
Then she starts opening her mouth.
Can anyone guess what it means?
That's right - she's hungry.
She's gonna start to get fussy, so try to pay attention.
She's probably getting upset because she's trying to tell you what she wants, and you're the big dummy who can't figure it out.
But once you do, she goes into bliss.
She's fed.
And she learns she can trust you.
You're starting to understand each other,
you answered her call.
ChatGPT told me to share what I'm learning, so I'm gonna do that.
I love writing, when I can squeeze in time for me, this is what I want to do.
But I gotta set up my physical first.
Sept 3, 2026
TO DO
laundry
Chefs Plate meal prep
re-organize guest room / work space.
toy room
decide, print and hang photos.
wash bedding
re-organize kitchen for convenience
*everything else is secondary (think of home as business.)
Then I'll start incorporating the other things I like to do.
I could tell I needed to write this weekend, I can always feel it coming.
Today I thought to myself, am I talking too much?
Then I remembered I'm gathering material,
I want to write a book.
And as I'm thinking the thought..
I just received a message from my cousin, who is currently at an ayahuasca retreat, with someone very close to me.
She said,
"This weekend has been amazing so far!! So much healing ❤️❤️❤️"
I wouldn't do it,
but the person going has wanted to for a long time.
I have a strong feeling it's gonna be big.
AND
next week (week 6) is back to school.
Which is like, the first day of a new life.
New routine
New habits
New opportunity for change.
I love walking the park.
I have a special park.
I haven't been in a while.
It's a circle, not busy, but enough people to not feel alone.
It's open - I can see what's happening around me - which makes me feel safe to zone out.
I let the music take me away while letting my imagination go where ever it wants.
Only one rule:
it feels good for all.
___
My dog, Vinny, was so calm. Everywhere we went people talked to us,
"Wow! He's beautiful."
A strange amount stopped to tell me fond memories of a childhood or grandparent's dog.
I loved him so much.
The dog before him passed away at the age of 3.
I found a way to blame myself.
When Vinny passed, I was in the beginning of a hurricane, overwhelmed with so many things.
Our partner's are overwhelmed too --- just in different ways, with different things.
I was so sad.
With the first child, I was afraid to love.
With the second, I'm scared of missing it.
Either way, the scariest thing I can think of is losing it.
But if I spend all my time worrying about losing it - I'm missing it.
Now.
Right Now.
Where it's available: in this moment.
We're scared of not having something,
and our solution is to deprive ourselves?
I think we're scared of relationships because we don't trust that they'll stay.
Like,
actually forever?
???????
What if it is?
If you knew,
without a shadow of a doubt,
that this relationship is meant to be in your life - and no matter how much physial time that means in your actual life - they are eternally in your spirit.
With you.
In this life, and likely the next.
And however many lives you want to be in each other's.
What if we have more than one soulmate?
What if there are many?
Like, the souls in your life are meant to be there.
In every relationship, you're working on something, together.
And if you choose to marry in this lifetime,
the way I see it,
You're telling that person : I choose you.
You are the person I want to do life with.
It's going to be hard, there will be lots of changes and challenges,
but there's something about you that brings out the best of me,
and I to you.
And sometimes, you bring out the worst of me.
And I to you.
But we know, care about and trust enough - that we can get through it together.
We are part of each others journey, evolution and creation while here on planet earth
and we will try our best to stay on the same track
And if things go sideways, which they probably and likely will,
we will work our way back to course,
to each other.
Because we (life partners)
are each others home.
And that matters so much more than anything else.
And I know,
when me and you are good.
Everything around us is good too.
And we have each other.
In this life and beyond,
which makes everything else secondary.
🙏
Playlist : Listen Here
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