Baby Turtle
Updated: 3 days ago
Our daughter was around a year and a half when we went to Hawaii with my parents and sister.
I was so sure, after all the spiritual people had been telling me, that I was going to have a boy.
I'd always wanted one, and I knew in my heart I wasn't done.
I held onto it, tightly, for *approximately 4 years.
I was so sure, that we got the name I'd chosen carved into wood on a beach in Hawaii.
It broke when we got home, I never did put it back together.
I knew when it happened, it meant something, but I let it be.
I spent all 4 years in my head - telling myself life would be complete once I had this boy.
Like my life was waiting for him.
I was hard on myself every day, why am I still not pregnant?
Then someone used the name.
And the dream was dead.
The sadness I felt was wrapped in a message.
I knew,
I had to mourn the image in my head.
I was too attached, to something that wasn't real.
To let in, the experience to be, I had to let go of the one I made up in my mind.
I had to make room.
I had to let go of the image, so the real thing could come in.
I remember thinking to myself,
what if it's a girl?
I don't want her to feel any ounce of disappointment from me, for being a girl.
And I knew in my heart, this experience was happening for my highest good.
Even though it hurt,
I had to let go.
After an entire day crying in bed,
I went back to the fertility clinic.
And got pregnant first try.
To the most perfect, calm, sweetest little girl
who is better than anything I imagined.
I'm not naturally patient.
I had to learn.
I'm an Aries - we're known for our:
Core Personality Traits
Fearless Leader: She naturally takes charge, loves a good challenge, and dives headfirst into new adventures.
Independent and Strong: She relies on herself to get things done and does not need anyone to rescue her or support her ambitions.
Brutally Honest: She values directness and tells it like it is, meaning you will always know where you stand with her.
Energetic and Passionate: She lives life in the fast lane, bringing high energy and deep enthusiasm to everything she does.
Career and Ambition
Goal-Oriented: She thrives in competitive or fast-paced environments where she can lead and innovate.
Action-Driven: Routine or boring desk jobs with no room for growth will quickly drain her vibrant energy.
My daughter is sensitive, she takes things personal and she's sentimental like my sister.
I had to slow down, learn to speak the same language.
I was deeply attached to my baby blanket as a kid.
After I started dating David I no longer needed it in my arms, so it lived under my pillow.
And once he started sleeping over, it moved to a dresser drawer.
I remember the day my friend purposefully pulled it out and showed David.
Fear of what he'd think ----- he didn't care.
I felt so relieved, something hidden was safe to come into the light.
After that, I wasn't embarrassed to bring it out when needed.
The day I mourned the image in my head,
I brought the blanket out, and held it tightly.
Someone close to me just got home from a spirtual healing with a group of women,
on a farm in the middle of no where.
She got to a moment in the evening when she knew she needed to cry.
She could feel it, but couldn't do it.
It wouldn't come out.
She wasn't letting herself.
She said,
that's when I came to her.
She told me that I came to her mind and she thought about all the ways she loves, appreciates and admires me.
She felt the love SHE HAS for me
and it made her cry.
I'm not easily attached to things.
I go through my home and closets on the regular, throwing out garbage and donating items I never use.
I get bored easily and move on quickly.
What if attachment isn't an addiction we need to overcome -- but a strategy to regulate emotions?
Emotions we ourselves do not know how to regulate on our own.
I wrote this in my journal the other day:
Sept 9, 2026
What if attachment is co-regulating emotions?
You're looking for someone to help you regulate your emotions.
Your emotions are dependent on what they are doing or not doing.
Co-dependent.
You didn't learn the skills, so you're looking outside yourself.
When you LEARN the skills, to regulate yourself,
you are no longer dependent on what someone else is doing,
it's all choice.
SET THE SPACE:
What do I do when I'm nap trapped? (baby rules the schedule)
set the space:
Book
Journal
Headphones
Comfy blanket
Light a candle
Dim the lights
Alarm, if needed
Glass of water
Snacks - if you want
Playlist
*Create your schedule around baby's natural rhythm and make it routine.
How do you help someone else regulate their emotions, when you don't know how to regulate your own?
AI Overview
Co-regulation is the biological and emotional process where a calm adult's regulated nervous system helps stabilize an infant’s underdeveloped nervous system.
Because babies are born with immature nervous systems, they cannot calm themselves down. They rely completely on mom’s physical presence, voice, and touch to manage stress and return to a balanced state.
The most under talked about feeling - that maaaany women experience during the postpartum stage
is rage.
It literally feels like it is boiling inside you - you can feel it growing quickly, about to burst out with no where to direct it.
You're frustrated, lonely, don't know what you're doing and you feel stuck.
You're mad with no one to be mad at.
So we get mad at our kids and / or spouses, acting like they're the problem.
I STARTED LOOKING IN THE MIRROR.
I realized this blessing I'd been asking for, is an opportunity for me - to be stronger than my inner demons, to become the mom I WANT TO BE.
If I am calm,
she is calm.
If I am calm,
they are calm.
Sept 9, 2026
What is our regular schedule and routine?
Thank you.
5:30am - wake + hypnosis recording.
6:00 - 7:00am - read, write, treadmill.
7:00 - 8:30am - family wakes, make breakfast + lunch, help everyone get ready.
9:00 - 11:00am - baby eat/nap + computer work.
11:30 - go outside.
...
...
...
...
Monday - with my mom, enjoy.
Tuesday - his mom over, I can meal prep.
Wednesday - wash laundry.
Thursday - sister over + fold and put away laundry.
Friday - my mom over, we get the house clean.
Saturday - go on an adventure
Sunday - be lazy.
*Turning this into a Hypnosis recording ----- create your own habits, set your own routine.
I regulate my emotions with music.
That's what I learned.
My mom's happy place is driving with music in the car on her way to work.
As kids she took us for long road trips, through the mountains.
My dad sits outside everyday after work, listening to music.
He likes to dance when he's feeling good.
It's how I learned.
So I decided to set up a duo Spotify account for my 6 year old.
The app is set on my tablet, attached to her headphones.
I'm aware of what she's listening to, while providing a strategy to shift her perception and feel something different.
Yesterday she told me she wants a new nightgown with Taylor Swift on it.
I said, you don't even listen to her music, why do you want it?
She answered,
because she's a baddie.
I'm like --- what's a baddie?
She explained,
it's someone who like, doesn't get into trouble, but they're sassy.
I asked for an example and she told me one of her friends.
I gave a few more names while she answered yes or no.
I asked,
am I baddie?
with absolute certainty she said yes.
I wanted to know why and she told me,
you just are.
It's Friday September 11th btw.
I made this playlist while I was upset at someone.
Not because they said what they said,
but because it cracked open the reality - the one I was in denial of.
and I was like
f**************ck,
Now I gotta accept it.
As I listened back to my self,
I genuinely felt better.
I realized I could channel the thought, energy and emotions I couldn't say out loud,
into a musical experience
that felt like a release.
🎵 PLAYLIST ::: LISTEN HERE.
✍🏼 Sept 9, 2026
HOLD SPACE
where is the space?
Come to my office
Meet at __________.
Zoom.
Office :
sound bowl healing experience
the product ideas I have in my head, belly butter + flower baby face wash and face cream.
Books
Journals
Workspace :
video calls
writing/ on the computer
making something visual and putting it online
dreaming
Recreational Room :
Play
Exercise
Family time
Outdoor space :
Imagination, play
reading
writing
gathering
The first playlist was meant to reflect,
the second was designed to create.
I was in a really uncomfortable feeling, that consumed my thoughts in an unpleasant way.
After sitting in doom and gloom,
I got to feel good.
I listened again the next day, while walking on a treadmill.
My thoughts, the stories I was telling myself -- began to improve.
They were still there, but they started to look, sound and feel better in my head.
My mom and I bonded through the goal of weight loss.
We attended meetings together, we laughed a lot.
We tracked our food following a point system, which I found less judgemental than a food journal.
In high school, she introduced me to Sweatin' To The Oldies with Richard Simmons.
A friend and I did it together, we laughed a lot.
Therapist, Marisa Peer, taught me it's not about the thing you do,
but how you feel while doing it.
How do you feel good when you're stuck in an unwanted story/emotion/interpretation of events?
I discovered I could direct the stories in my head with music
and I talk to myself, like this, in my journal.
Then I started sharing my crazy thoughts
with one safe person.
And that person made me feel better, by letting me share.
Without judging me for it.
I knew who to talk to about which subjects, and I felt better every time I spoke out loud.
You know how if you wanna lose weight - they tell you to write down what you're currently eating,
a food journal.
You're asked by the Coach to keep a daily journal, tracking your food intake and habits.
1.) So he can come up with a plan.
2.) So you can take a look at yourself.
What are your daily habits?
Are they serving the person you want to be?
Same same.
STEP ONE: REFLECT
Write it down ---- how are you feeling today?
Do it for a week, start the habit of conversing with yourself.
STEP TWO: CREATE
On a daily basis - pay attention to the things you are doing.
Does this habit serve me? Yes or no.
If no, ask yourself:
what would I rather, how would I like to respond, what would I like to have happen instead?
See yourself showing up differently, and the next day - do the new thing instead.
The hard part is consistency.
STEP THREE: INSTALL
Play the playlist. (Watch You Be a __________.)
If you're in the thick of it, wear one earbud while going about regular daily activities.
When you're ready to stabilize the energy, play out loud on a speaker while doing the boring stuff you don't always want to do. (Add joy)
Rinse and repeat:
Client, (I'm the client) would like to set my daily schedule of habits, around the necessary parts of life, with an upgraded version to the experience.
Reflect:
How is life currently operating - what are my daily habits?
Am I fulfilling my role of _______ (mom) to the best of my ability?.
ex: Am I eating healthy and serving my family healthy choices?
Am I taking care of myself physcially and teaching my children how to do the same?
What am I doing that I'd like to be doing different?
What am I proud of/happy with in my current experience?
In which areas can I improve?
What replacements can I make?
Create:
What do I want for myself and how can it comfortably fit into my schedule?
example, waking up early to exercise.
Write in detail a day in the life - from the moment you wake to the last blink of your eyes upon falling asleep ---- what does the day look like?
Not a fantasy day,
I'm talking a regular, upgraded day in the life.
Example : instead of coffee I drink hot lemon water.
It's a do-able change that you absolutely can achieve.
You're going to write YOUR ideal day in your life.
Then make it visual.
Do it for a day while filming yourself,
make a vision (or Pinterest) board.
SEE IT - see yourself drinking the hot water while sitting in peace by yourself.
Install:
Read it.
Out loud.
Record yourself saying it
then listen
everyday.
For a minimum of 21 days.
Keep writing in your journal.
It felt like I was always waiting.
What is he doing?
What time is he going to be home?
I didn't know how to regulate my emotions when alone, allowing the old personality traits, habits and stories to consume my mental space.
Until I remembered,
as a kid my parents argued, often, especially about money.
I didn't like the fighting, so I would remove myself and go to my room, where I would put my headphones on and listen the Backstreet Boys sing to me on my walkman - for as long as I needed.
I ignored the world around me, to experience my own.
I didn't like the example of marriage I was seeing - so I fantasized in my head about I wanted instead.
I grew an expectation for myself and feel confident to say that although nothing is perfect, I am proud of the man I married and the life we've created.
This method, that I'm calling Self Love Therapy - of writing in a journal while listening to music - is not something new that I made up.
I simply looked at what I've always done, naturally without knowing what I was doing - and turned it into a process.
I think often about people in recovery - from anything they are trying to recover from.
Getting the alcoholic or drug addict into treatment - admitting they have a problem and are willing to do something about it --- is step one.
step two is looking at themselves, honestly, while thinking about how they want to show up and live life instead.
step three is integration - the phase after they leave the group and venture back into life on their own.
When the triggers arise in their day to day life - how do they cope?
The moments they crave the drink - what do they reach for instead?
When the emotions are strong and the thought of relapse comes in, how do they talk themselves out of it?
I know, all they have to do is focus elsewhere, they need a positive distraction to redirect the thought, feel something different long enough for the craving to subside.
What about a playlist to sit or walk with?
The teenagers who live online, comparing themselves on social apps, spending their time with circles of friends they've never met.
When they need a break, but feel out of place or uncomfortable in their regular life - where do they go?
Distracting your unwanted thoughts is not bad, it's a coping strategy,
what you're distracting them with is the question.
To create a life you love - your thoughts need direction,
from you.
I thought I needed a man to help direct my thoughts.
To make me happy.
I was waiting for someone else to change how I feel.
Husband, boss, co-worker, father, friend, God...
What male figure(s) have I placed in leadership of my emotions, and therefore life?
I didn't notice the attachment until we had kids.
I was struggling to regulate,
responsible for regulating others,
while my source of dependence was absent in moments of need.
I started looking at leadership -- seeking direction while learning to direct myself.
And when the one I was waiting on was moving at the pace a baby turtle...
I started directing myself.
with music. ❤️
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