Becoming Mom

Aug 6

7 min read

❤️

The first time I gave birth was in 2020,

a week before the world shut down.

Month one was total bliss - just me, my best friend, and our baby.

30 days later, he went back to work and I grew fearful if I could do it on my own.

Her and I spent long days together, just the two of us.

I was handling it on the outside, while inside I felt lonely - an emotion I experienced throughout my own childhood.

I grew impatient

angry

isolated

depressed

and questioned my purpose.

Half of me - was so grateful to be home with our daughter - it's a privilege not all women get to choose.

The other half - was bored. I didn't have a career to return to and no personal outlet to direct my thoughts and energy.

So my mind kept itself busy with self-judgement.

Once she turned a year, I knew I needed something for myself.

I'd been self-studying the mind for over a decade, following the question:

How do we become the best version of ourselves and live a life we love?

Paired with the self-focused question:

What is wrong with me?

Years of self-judgment, body dysmorphia, a negative relationship with food and exercise, infertility and a baseline of loneliness -- led me to a video of Marisa Peer.

She said that our problems are not solved by changing the outside, rather through understanding the inside - our beliefs.

Her advice of telling yourself I AM ENOUGH helped years earlier with the body image issues.

So I invested in myself, enrolling in her certification of Rapid Transformational Therapy.

Hypnotherapy.

I was fascinated by the simplicity when she explained how our mind works.

Years of studying the subject of Life Coaching all of a sudden made so much more sense.

Bringing in awareness gained through my favourite book series, Conversations with God written by Neale Donald Walsch,

I realized that what truly makes us powerful - is taking ownership of ourselves as CREATORS.

Meaning, if I do not like the life I am currently living - I want to live something different

I must first understand how I got here - retrace my steps, learn the lessons and re-direct my own path forward.

I was sitting at home on my couch one day, when the idea came to walk myself through a session, via my journal.

I was looking for practice - what I discovered, was that I am capable of being my own therapist, coach and friend.

The trick is to relax the mind enough to reach a deeper state.

Hypnosis - is to move your mind out of the conscious judgy state and into to the subconscious, that is open to memory and perspective we are not aware of in day to day thinking.

I wrote the questions, then let my mind relax with frequency style music, allowing the answers to come to me, writing without filtering.

Thinking of the problem I wanted to solve,

I answered : how old are you?

Where are you right now?

what are you thinking, feeling and experiencing?

I let myself relive the memory, with curiosity towards the perspective of my inner self.

As I continued to practice the method, I discovered how much my inner child and inner teen used music to escape into the dream of a different future.

I began to understand my own history, and became a witness to how the patterns and behaviours were showing up in my daily, current life.

Then I wrote a book about it.

I wanted another baby.

While the other half of me didn't.

Because I was scared of going back to the mental state that took over after my first.

I could see myself struggling. I tried to voice it but no matter how many times I tried, it felt like I was still misunderstood, selfish or ungrateful.

Until I started listening to myself,

following my own gut feelings.

I decided to follow what made me happy, regardless of what other people thought in the moment.

Which sometimes felt selfish.

I learned my own boundaries by listening to my body.

When whatever I was doing felt like butterflies, I kept going.

And if at any point I felt a drop in my stomach - I paused to reassess - am I in alignment right now?

Alignment to me, means all parts of myself are on board, in agreement and feel good about it.

. . .

I started listening to my inner child and talking to my inner teen via journal.

I let them write out the things they couldn't say - while being the comfort of safety they needed at the time.

I began paying attention to my body and understanding the language it speaks.

I sparked old feelings and personal stories with trips down memory lane through music.

And I formed new images of what I DO WANT through new music, different voices and fresh perspective.

I journal while listening to music and call it Self Love Therapy.

I experienced 18 hours of labor with my first - relying on the warm bath water, candle lit room and a calming playlist to get me through. Managing contractions, I held on to David and rested in between.

A doctor came in the room around 11pm, asked me to lay on the bed and broke my water to speed things up.

The pain got 10x worse while I felt discouraged that not much progress had been made since my arrival at 2pm.

I asked for the epidural, waited around 45 minutes to receive it and then melted into comfort.

With the relaxation of my body - she was born two hours later.

My only birth plan with this one - was get the epidural sooner.

🎵 Playlist : Listen Here

The morning of July 30th I wrote 8 pages of my ideal day, the best version of the experience I could think of. (Due date was July 31st)

I had a lot of big conversations and closure the week leading up - it felt like she was waiting for me to get our environment and my mind right, before she would enter the world.

In the days before, I focused majority of my energy on rest, relaxation and sleep.

The morning of July 31st, David had to pick something up from one of his listings about 50 minutes away, plus make a few other stops.

I had major paranoia that I would go into labor and he would be stuck in traffic - doing it without him would be my worst nightmare.

So I went with him.

As we were walking out the door, I told him we needed to make it fast.

I was feeling the same light cramping I experienced with our first, in the very beginning stage.

Throughout the morning it continued, lasting only 30 seconds with 15-20 minutes between.

It was noticeable, but not overly painful.

Our daughter spent the day at her grandparents, so when we got home I took a nap. Sleeping from 3-6pm, when I woke the cramps were gone.

We ate dinner together as a family, took our daughter to the park where I walked laps for almost 40 minutes, then had a relaxing candle lit shower.

We watched a movie and went to bed at 11:30pm.

I text my sister in law that there was no baby and no more signs.

12:00am August 1st - I got out of bed to let our cat in the house.

As I laid back down - the cramps return - only more intense.

I thought I would be able to sleep it off and go to the hospital in the morning.

Within 10 minutes I text my sister to come over in case we had to leave overnight.

David started packing our bags in the car when I realized they were maybe 3 minutes apart.

I kept my mind focused on how happy I was to be in my own bed, knowing I had to leave.

We left as soon as my sister walked in the door - arriving to the hospital at 12:40pm.

While waiting to be checked, they felt constant as I buried by face into David trying not to scream through the pain.

I told the nurse my birth plan included an epidural -- she asked me to lay down and in seconds said I was 10cm and needed to start pushing.

She wheeled me to a room, sat on the edge on the bed, looked me in the eyes and explained how to push. She asked me to tell her when I was ready.

Maybe two contractions later, I was thinking about how I didn't want to scare any of the other about to be moms from the noises that were coming out of me.

Then she said her head was out.

One more big push - she told me when to stop and start (to avoid damage) and suddenly

at 1:30am she was out.

Born in the sac - which apparently is rare and good luck.

All pain disappeared, relief took over and it felt so good to be done.

The doctor strolled in two minutes after she was born.

He helped finish the job and ensured there was no injury (recovery has been a breeze).

I was able to shower myself, climbed into a clean bed and snuggled my baby for the rest of the night.

I spent the next day and a half with David by my side, laying in bed focused only on rest and recovery.

I would not change a thing.

Every nurse that walked into the room said,

"I heard you had a fast birth and she was born in the sac!"

I spoke about the experience with excitement and a smile.

_________

I'm starting with my birth story because one of them said we need to hear more positive experiences.

Throughout the entire pregnancy I focused on listening to myself.

I barely did any of the recommended things.

My main priority was if I am calm, she will be calm.

I stayed grateful through discomfort.

I moved when I felt like moving and slept when I felt like resting.

And I didn't judge myself for any of it.

Last night after the girls and I were in bed, David said he was going to the gym.

He had been busy working most of the day and I really wanted him to stay.

I didn't tell him not to. I just told him that I wanted to be with him.

He paused to think about it. I think it was the shift in my energy that he chose to stay.

And when he crawled into bed with me, I showed him my appreciation through touch.

And I know now that I am capable of being the mom I want to be, while not losing myself.

Because I just wrote this entire post with her blissfully asleep in my arms.

❤️