Week 4 - Who Am I Becoming?
- May 25
- 14 min read
May 22, 2026
It's 9:56pm and I am sitting in bed with my 6 year old asleep beside me, with a healing frequency playlist while I write this.
I had an emotional week where it felt like nothing can make me happy - like, I'm going through the motions and feel good at different parts throughout the day - was even productive with creating a journal that I'm proud of and inviting friends to my launch party at the end of next month.
There's just this over head dark cloud that's following me. I can tell the difference when I'm in a "survival" state versus a "allowing" state - and this past week especially has felt like survival.
There's nothing specific going wrong - in fact most things are going well - my only complaint is that he's been having a lot of evening appointments and is busy on the weekends, which I think just triggers my "what I don't want" mentality.
At the same time, I remind myself constantly that the schedule is hard on him too, he carries a lot of responsibility, is doing his best, makes it work as much as he can and it's because of his hard work that I have a life of ease. I'm just struggling to feel the "ease" while I'm caught up looking at the difficulties.
I think I have an emotional set-point of loneliness.
I learned this concept from Tony Robbins, so I'm going search up a video to remind myself what to do about it. Bob Proctor also teaches this, calling it a paradigm shift and Joe Dispenza words it as updating your personality to change your personal reality.
Before I search and link a video, I've been thinking to myself for the last couple of hours that what if, because I'm the writer, I'm the one writing our story. How would I write it differently?
One of the thoughts that gets me most stuck is that his schedule is his choice, and no matter how much I preach, there's nothing I can do about it. This feels defeating to my "fix it" personality.
I can also see the small things I'm not doing for myself on a regular basis, that I tell myself I should and want to be doing, and I blame my lack of, on his lack of - which is deflecting responsibility rather than taking ownership of my own happiness. I can't change his schedule but I can change how it affects me. I can choose to prioritize the things I know are good for me and remove the focus off his absence, embracing gratitude for when he is home and all the other wonderful things going right in my life.
. . .
Last week my focus was on looking backwards, writing about my dad's absence and how I project that into life with my husband, even when it's not entirely true.
That's what I want people to understand about the Law of Attraction - it works both ways.
Meaning, when we are focused on what we want, LOA brings more of those things into our experience.
Likewise, when we are focused on what we don't want, LOA brings more of those things into our experience.
I left off writing about loneliness and him not being here, which was followed by a week of feeling loneliness matched with him not being here.
So if I directed that manifestation.... maybe I can direct the changes I want to happen, by working with the laws of the universe, who can plant the seeds of action into his mind that help create it into a reality.
Which means - this week our focus is on WHAT I DO WANT.
Then allowing it to happen.
'
May 23, 2026
I went to bed envisioning that today would be a better day - only to wake up next to a crying child, followed by spilling coffee all over myself. I think the definition of better is how you handle it - which was better as I got the child back to sleep (with the help of her dad) and cleaned the coffee as if nothing happened. My honest thought was - whatever frequency of reality I'm in... I gotta get out.
STEP ONE: REFLECT
What qualities, habits, and emotional patterns am I currently growing into
— and do they reflect the person I truly want to become?
answer :
First of all, who do I want to become?
A few years ago I did Tony Robbins seminar and wrote down every sentence he framed as a question. Afterwards I turned it into about 6 pages of self-reflection and answered every one.
It started somewhere along the lines of who do you want to be?
Maybe a week prior to that, I had stumbled into Amanda Frances's book Rich as F*ck, that I read while feeding my baby, letting her fall asleep in my arms, it felt like I could sit for hours.
Amanda was the first person who came to mind (we need a role model as a point of direction). I searched her social media and saw photos of her as a happy, successful writer with a partner and two children. She seemed confident, her teachings of starting with the belief system resonated with my own mentality and I was inspired that she started with her own role model, Gabrielle Bernstein, an author I'd also studied and have seen on stage.
She credited her spiritual perspective to A Course In Miracles, a book I'd listened to years prior on audio.
I wrote what I admired about her life, into the story of who I want to be in my life. Thinking back, the visual still matches.
The person I want to be..
is married with two children, possibly more in the future.
She takes time for self-care and is unapologetic in having her needs met.
Her needs are time to herself, walks and a partner who makes her feel seen.
Day in the life..
She gets up early, sits outside and reads.
She writes in her journal daily, reflecting 5 things she is grateful for each day.
Her children wake to a calm mother, smiling with an energy that says "I'm happy to see you."
She takes the time to snuggle the kids, sit with them and start the day together.
She makes breakfast and lunches for the whole family with ease and joy - mind filled with ideas to provide healthy meals to nourish their bodies. (I think I'll start a Pinterest board).
She assists the kids in getting ready for school as she dresses and gets herself ready for the day.
The oldest goes off to school with her dad as he leaves for work.
She feeds the dog and puts her full focus towards the baby.
We start our time together with a walk, bags and snacks are packed, ready with blankets and toys stored in the car incase we want to play outside.
We come home for lunch, followed by a nap where the baby drifts off into a blissful rest while I catch up on house cleaning, dinner prep and anything else I want to work on.
She awakes to a calm, cool and "caught up" mom who greets her with a smile.
After feeding, we play together until it's time to pick up the oldest.
Snacks are prepped as we eat together, she shares her days experience, then we play together.
Dinner is prepped from earlier, quick to cook, which I do during a quiet time of rest for the oldest who sits close to her sister, colouring in the kitchen or playing dolls nearby.
IDEALLY husband gets home around this time, zoom and phone calls only for the rest of the evening.
We eat dinner together.
He plays with the girls, helps the oldest with homework and connects with them while I clean the dishes and kitchen.
The oldest helps me bath the baby, practices her reading with a bedtime story, assisting me to put the baby down.
Once she's asleep, I put all of my focus towards the oldest, assisting her in getting ready for bed, then snuggling for pillow talk and reading her a story.
Once she's asleep - husband and I have some time together.
Assuming baby will wake one more time - we hold, play and entertain her together.
I get myself ready for bed, putting her down overnight in the bassinet beside me, we go to sleep together.
❤︎
As for work..
I have a home office where I host journal work shops and sound baths.
I take 1:1 sessions with clients via in person or over zoom at times my mom is available to come hang out with the baby.
Mostly, I sell a 8 week workbook experience online and journals created for self-reflection.
My sister and I work markets together, where I get into the community and speak to women directly. I share my ideas behind the journal as a tool to get to know yourself, paired with a matching journal for the young girls in our lives. I recommend it as a way to connect, converse with our kids and get to know them better. I invite these women and their daughters to our sound baths as a path to heal together.
And also....
I grow an email list of women and girls who will be invited to live-event DANCE PARTIES with a DJ that we host a couple times a year.
🙏🏽
answer :
I guess excuses and telling myself someone else has to change for me to get/be who I want to be. Which is not true, everything I want is attainable on my own.
Maybe I'm scared I'll fail, that I'm uninteresting and no one will care.
Although, I don't give myself enough credit because I have been taking the steps, facing myself and having the conversations. I'm just doing it at my own pace because it matters to me that the foundation is ready, to avoid stepping into something I can't handle.
I want to live out a passion, help others and enjoy my life as an individual with my own contribution.
At the same time, my higher priority is that I am available for my family.
The thing I've learned though, is that if you aren't taking care of yourself, you may be physically available for family, but emotionally distant.
I don't think God ever meant for us to choose between our dreams or kids.
I think we are meant to share our dreams with our kids and inspire them through leading by example.
I also get hard on myself and question if I'll ever be happy.
Then I remind myself that it happens to all of us, no matter what level of success we achieve - it's essentially part of who we are.
The real question and measure of growth is how much we allow those dips to dictate and direct our actions. How much time do we spend in the downer and do we have the tools to pull ourselves out of it?
When I get into a low state, my tendency is to blame my husband for working so much and not following the schedule I want from him. My mind goes to question compatibility.
I love him and I really like him - I don't want to do life with anyone else.
When the thought arises, it feels sad like this hard decision I have to make for myself because we aren't actually the right match.
The more I let myself go there, the more sad it feels - and when I picture him with someone else, I see me as a miserable and resentful version of self.
Then I think about other relationships and recognize, the complaints are mainly all the same.
I don't think there's someone out there who could satisfy my needs more than him. I see how much he shows up, puts forth effort and loves me.
A friend of mine recently said, that when people talk to her about wanting to leave their husbands, she tells them she supports whatever choice they make - but they need to know that they are not leaving for something better -- they are leaving to be single.
And through listening to single friends, it's been confirmed that "a good catch" are few and far between.
David and I went to a networking event the other night where he was recognized with an award in Real Estate.
We mingle together, close by his side introduces me in every conversation.
The following day he received multiple messages from realtors telling him how great it was to meet him - every one of them included me and a mention to us a couple.
We make a great team and I wouldn't trade our partnership for anything.
answer :
Fear of not being good enough and an expectation of loneliness are my biggest down falls.
He's always been busy - that's nothing new.
And I've been complaining about it for almost 20 years.
The thing is, as much I say I don't like it - would I really be happy with the opposite?
Imagining myself with a partner who doesn't take action feels 10x worse.
So if I just change the narrative - I am the wife of a man who works to create a successful career, impact the lives of others and provide a comfortable life for our family - I can accept that:
It's not about rejecting me.
It's not a lack of care for me.
It's nothing to do not wanting to spend time with me.
It's because he loves me.
It's because he cares for us.
It's about being who he needs to be, doing what he needs to do, so I don't have to stress.
In that reality - my role is to be happy, supportive and caretaking behind the scenes.
I can stay home and cuddle my baby all day, spend days at the park, meet friends for lunch or shop as I please, really anything I want, because of him.
And he supports my own side hustle, in fact he encourages it.
He helps in any way he can and wants nothing more than for me to have a happy heart.
I am the only one telling stories that say otherwise.
who would I allow myself to become?
Honestly, I'd allow myself to be who I already am without fighting to keep the feeling of lack.
May 24, 2026
STEP TWO: CREATE
What kind of person do I want others to consistently experience when they interact with me — emotionally, mentally, and energetically?
answer :
I want others to experience someone who is warm and friendly - which I think I am.
Except at home lately.
I've always been good at "snapping out of it" when it comes to work or showing up in public spaces.
I remember driving to the restaurant to work a serving shift with David, quiet and pouting in the car, giving him short answers with a "leave me alone" attitude. Then within 5 minutes, greeting a customer with a big smile on my face paired with polite small talk.
When he's not home at the time I want him to be home - I feel the distance which makes me feel lonely.
When he does come home - I express that feeling of distance by being cold.
He thinks I need space, so he stays away.
Which is actually the opposite of what I want - but through my attitude, I'm giving a totally upside down signal.
Luckily I have enough self-awareness to recognize it and eventually tell him. I see how I'm coming across, explain why I'm doing it, acknowledge the confusion on his part and tell him what I actually want/need --- followed with him acting towards it. Because I say it clearly.
The reason I endorse journalling is because for me to express my thoughts, feelings and desires clearly to him, I need to understand them myself first.
I want others to experience someone who is warm and friendly - authentically.
I want my husband to experience a wife who is happy to see him, supportive, grateful and provides a state of peace/relief.
I want my children to experience a mom who is patient, playful, creative, care-taking and pleasant. I want them to feel like a gift to the world, because they are.
I want my parents, in laws and sibling(s) to experience a person who is happy, a good listener, connected, positive and thoughtful.
I want my friends to experience a person who encouraging, loving, kind-hearted, real and available.
I want my pets to experience a care-taker who spends time, plays, exercises and nourishes them.
I want the online world to experience someone who is honest, encouraging, confident and open while maintaining boundaries.
I want strangers to experience a human who is willing to give time, a quick conversation or smile, because those things can go a long way for people who don't have anyone.
I want my own experience with my emotions, mentality and energy to be consistently positive, self-encouraging, at peace, self-aware and calm with an aim of clarity.
May 25, 2026
>> Okay, so I'm having a hard time making the jump from what I don't want - to what I do want.
I have been overthinking around what life will look like when baby gets here.
I've eaten more in the last week than my whole pregnancy - and I don't think it's hormones, I'm just eating my feelings.
I've been doing a lot of computer work and haven't been walking/moving energy.
My dog went for dental surgery today which just makes me slightly anxious until she's home.
From my experience, when we start looking towards what we want, we simultaneously activate everything standing in our way - thoughts/habits/emotions that need to be processed before we will allow ourselves to step into desire.
It's like - the old version of you, that you are moving away from, pops in to show you to yourself - to be seen, accepted and supported in whichever way is needed to move forward. Yes - we have to overpower and take action - but I also think this phase presents as an opportunity to listen to self.
That way - you can align with what you truly want.
I keep telling myself that I identify with the feeling of loneliness -- that's the self I'm wanting to move away from.
Which makes me think I'm looking for connection. But I don't think that's the right word.
I'm starting to understand that what I really want is companionship.
answer :
My most honest answer is connection to self.
I am out of alignment when I do not call it in, connect to and take action towards my higher self.
When I am in alignment with my higher self - I feel in flow with the actions and emotions I want, through a receiving state of ease and joy. Things tend to magically go in my favour and even when they don't, I am unbothered, easily able to shift the direction.
I'm less attached, more care-free and find joy in the simple things including daily tasks.
. . .
The last time I feel most in alignment with self was at my old house.
Oddly, it was during one of the hardest times in my relationship with David - we had many difficult conversations where I felt the need to be very in tune to my needs, wants, desires and stand behind myself even when it was hard.
I was meditating almost daily and sorting out my thoughts so I could speak with clarity.
I loved our house, but felt miserable living there.
He was busy with early mornings and late nights and I was desperately searching for happiness.
I knew clearly that I wasn't where I wanted to be, spoke my displeasure out loud, but felt powerless over the circumstances.
I relied 100% on my feelings and trusted them fully.
We listened to each other, got through it and proved to each other how much we both want to be here.
In many ways - we are not compatible.
We're opposite in almost all interests.
Yet it's those differences that makes us compliment each other so well.
answer :
I would look back with pride for having the courage to become the mom I want to be.
What I want more than anything else is to be a positive role model to my daughters.
That means, taking care of myself and my marriage, pursuing my own dreams/goals and doing all of it with authenticity as myself.
Children do not learn by what we say - they grow up mimicking what we do.
I feel it is my responsibility as mom, the foundation of my home, to be the best version of self in how I think, act and feel so that I can set that energy and tone for my entire household.
Being a wife and mom is not about self-sacrifice.
It's about being in alignment with self, a connection to source and safe place for them to come home to.
Below are the self-reflection questions for this month, given to the women in our bi-weekly calls that I host with my cousin.
We had a really open conversation today while speaking about the heart chakra.
This morning started with frustration and tension. It ended with a feeling of ease, support and clarity.
I am so grateful for the women in my life and the support system I have around me.
🙏🏽
Vision Board Exercise
Vision boards help you get clear on
what you want to create, feel, experience, and become.
They work by turning your goals and desires into something visual,
so your mind can connect with them more often.
When you see images, words, colors, and feelings that represent the
life you want, it helps you stay focused, inspired,
and emotionally aligned with that direction.
Your brain naturally looks for what you repeatedly focus on.
When you consistently see images, words, and emotions connected
to the life you want, your mind begins paying more attention to
opportunities, ideas, choices, and behaviours that align with it.
Vision boards help keep your thoughts, emotions,
and focus pointed toward what you want to create
instead of what you fear or don’t want.
-From My Perspective Workbook
🎵 Playlist: Listen Here
❤︎
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