Week 2: Understanding My Inner Voice

May 15
11 min read

Playlist : Listen Here

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One time I heard Amanda Frances describe her website and socials as "her corner of the internet."

I liked that.

I started seeing the online world as a giant High School.

There's an abundance of classes to choose from, Youtube and Online Courses will teach you everything you want to know.

And there's a social group for everyone - you just have to find it.

People hang out online in all sorts of different places. Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, Snap Chat are all favoured spots.

There are popular kids with lots of eyes on them who show up to be seen.

Preppy kids here to socialize, make friends and often want to sell you something.

You can find anything from regular people sharing their day to day, to outcasts sneaking around the dark side.

We have access to those from every career, entertainment industry, country and life experience you can think of.

Any odd interest you're into? You can find your people online.

And some are here strictly to learn.

_____________

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How did you show up in high school?

Did you have friends? Lots or a small group?

Did you go to class or linger in the hallway, like an observer watching everyone else?

Were people nice to you? Were you nice to people?

(There are bullies here too)

Did you make an effort to have friends, participate in class and find your place?

How do you show up now on your corner of the internet?

In high school, I was a follower who quietly observed.

I knew kids from various groups and had a small circle of friends.

I also spent a lot of lunches on the phone with my mom or doing my homework in the library because it felt easier to be on my own.

I don't think I wanted to fit in, more like blend in.

And I spent a lot of time in my head, fantasizing of the day a boy would like me and ask me to be his girlfriend.

By far the best social space, most inclusive, accepting and "be real" spot I've found online is The Mom Group. Especially millennial moms. There's an overall I don't give a f*ck energy mixed with humour, nostalgia and a supportive vibe to get through the day-to-day responsibilities of actual life.

Raising a family is no joke. It takes a lot out of you and the internet becomes a place of escape.

And also, it's the most rewarding thing ever once you get the hang of it and find your people.

My six year old and I were at the nail salon a couple days ago.

We told the lady beside me that I was pregnant with another girl. (She has two boys)

Following my good news, she told me

"Have you gotten any skin issues? You know girls take your beauty and boys give you beauty."

There was a young woman getting a pedicure who chimed in with,

"It's true! All my clients with girls have so many skin concerns that the ones with boys don't."

My daughter looked at me and said,

"Yeah, she really did take your beauty."

To which I told the room of women

I actually feel more beautiful since having my daughter and I love being pregnant. So it has not been true for me.

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"Not every thought you think is truth.

Some thoughts were learned through pain.

Some were created through fear.

Some were repeated so often they began to feel familiar.

The goal is not to criticize yourself for having these thoughts.

The goal is to understand them."

From My Perspective Workbook

Afterwards, I thought about how terrible a message that is to spread to moms of daughters.

Being jealous of your daughter is one of the worst things you can do to her.

And the opposite of how you're supposed to feel - she is you.

Men don't talk like that.

I've experienced many who've said she's beautiful and instantly follow with

she must have gotten it from her mother.

Not because she "took it from me"

but because I share my beauty with her.

I can tell by the way he says it that he doesn't think I lost it.

Children's entertainment tells the same lies.

Often, mom's dead and replaced with a jealous step mom.

I know a lot of hot moms who are raising their daughter's to embrace their beauty, feel good in their own skin and express confidence with boundaries.

Our kids don't take from us.

If your beauty has gone missing it's because you stopped taking care of yourself.

And possibly bought into a lie that it's at the fault of Motherhood.

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STEP ONE: REFLECT

When I make a mistake or feel emotionally overwhelmed, what is the very first thing my inner voice says to me — and where do I think I learned that voice from?

answer :

I think my first thought is to blame my husband's absence. I tell myself I'm unable to attend to myself because he's not here to help me, too busy, I'm a last priority - I can't pursue what I want because I have the responsibility of family while he can do whatever he chooses.

Saying that, I recognize how often my mom complained about my dad not being helpful. I remember being an emotional support when she vented about marital issues, probably justifying the fight my sister and I had just overheard.

I was team mom and started resenting my dad. I had no respect for him, felt he was a nuisance when he did come around and defended my mom with my own anger. Looking back and knowing what I know now, he often felt disincluded and ganged up on by the three of us girls. He regrets taking the night shift and says he wouldn't have done it if he'd known how much the sleep schedule would affect him.

It wasn't an issue of no voice - I felt confident to tell him exactly what I was thinking, following the way my mom spoke to him.

I didn't understand why he was angry because he kept it bottled up. Only when he drank would he speak his truth, apologize for the fights and not being around. I would just sit quietly and listen. Then he'd want to give me a hug - and I hated it. Like, admitting it when he was drunk didn't earn my physical affection. I wanted him to take responsibility when sober - a real acknowledgment.

My husband is not the same.

To remove myself from reality - I would sit in my room by myself and listen to music. I spent hours of my early life laying in bed listening to the Backstreet Boys while fantasizing over a relationship opposite my parents.

David and I started dating at 16 years old and he is different from my father in almost every way.

And yes, he's busy. But it's for different reasons and because of his career I am privleged to be home for my family - which is what I always wanted.

My relationship is nothing like my parents.

Yet, sometimes the stories in my head make it feel the same.

answer :

In moments of low emotions I notice myself wondering if there is an alternative experience. For a while I started questioning compatibility - maybe I'm not built for such a career focused man and need someone who's more of a homebody. I'd never thought this until being a mother.

I told him that I was thinking this way - which honestly made him question it too. We spent over a decade with me being his biggest cheerleader - to a phase in our relationship where I was the only one criticizing him. He gets a lot of praise from the outside world telling him how admirable he is for how hard he works. Meanwhile, he was coming home to me, resenting him for the same habits.

Telling him I felt like a last priority was nothing new, I'd been trying to say it for years. It was just easier to let go before children. I couldn't ignore it anymore - I need him differently now.

It took many uncomfortable conversations to finally get on the same page - but we are both committed to this relationship, able to see our own negative patterns and acknowledge where we can do better.

I had to override my own thinking many times to not blame him. I had to refocus my attention towards gratitude while staying true to the expression of my needs, and there were times we both questioned if we can really make it through.

He's made choices/ held points of view that hurt me.

I've made choices/ held points of view that hurt him.

The thing we have in common is we are both willing to look at ourselves, open to listening and actively choose to adjust in order to be what the other wants and needs.

So, my self-talk automatically goes to blame the person who brings me joy, when he's not there to provide that joy. The most important thing I've ever done is to see through it, and take full ownership that the only one in control of how I think and feel is me.

answer :

I used to speak very negatively to myself, about myself. Maybe once David came into my life, he was my escape from that voice - I didn't hear it when I was with him. In his absence, I didn't know how to control it.

In my early 20's I battled a voice of body dysmorphia who told me I was fat, not pretty and not smart. During a practicum at a women's recovery house for drugs and alcohol, I saw clearly that regardless of circumstances, we feel mostly the same inside.

The sharing circles taught me so much. From the woman who cried through expressing her abortion experience, to the one who was there working hard to get her kids back. I remember one woman who acted better than everyone else - finally breaking down when admitting to the reason for being there, that she'd hit a person while drinking and driving.

One day during down time, I picked up a book and turned to a story about a woman with an eating disorder and how she overcame it.

I don't remember what she said, only that in the book instead of writing out eating disorder it kept being referenced as ED.

Ed.

Suddenly I had one of those light bulb moments that the voice in my head was not mine - it was a separate voice who I renamed Ed.

From that moment forward, I was able to tune in and differentiate the voice of discouragement from the voice I call my own. Overtime, I was able to turn Ed's volume down, by building new positive language with words that felt like encouragement.

Your reality can be the best or worst circumstances out there - it's the voice in your head, which is in your control, that will interpret and affect how those circumstances feel to you.

Your life, your stories.

Change your stories, change your life.

Music Prompt 🎵

Choose a song, album or artist you listened to often as a child. How do the lyrics relate to your inner dialogue or perspective?

STEP TWO: CREATE

How do I want to feel emotionally in this season of my life? (Examples: peaceful, confident, grounded, joyful, emotionally safe, connected, free.)

answer :

I want to feel caught up and content. I honestly have a great life - and I don't want to self-sabotage it.

Over the last couple of years I've opened up to others both through writing and conversation. By doing so, others have opened up to me.

The biggest lesson I learned is how similar we are in our struggles - the thoughts we tell ourselves.

How we choose to act or not act on those thoughts is a skill that must be developed.

In my relationship, I'm most proud of our honesty. I'm not someone who can keep big secrets and I think through the long term. Being honest is not always easy. However I've learned that if you do it early, usually the action can be understood by your reasoning.

It's when lies are held for years that they build inside and become betrayal, "how could you keep this from me?"

I think that's where trust is lost - and it's hard to get back.

I think many of us went through less than ideal childhoods.

We heard how our parents treated each other and when we become parents ourselves, all of that trauma comes rushing back.

Sometimes our minds don't understand the difference between past and current circstumstances, bringing those experiences into our right-now experience.

I believe the intention is for them to be healed - overcome once and for all so you can move forward with joy and freedom.

Divorce rates have been through the roof lately, probably because life has been putting all of us in the pressure cooker with world problems brought into our home through the internet.

It scares me that old stories are pushing our loved ones away.

Sometimes, separation is needed.

It's just from what I'm seeing, it's not so much an empowered "I will no longer tolerate being treated this way" causing a majority of these breakups.

It's more like - I need more and you're not providing.

And honestly, most of the time we aren't asking for what we need in productive ways.

Instead of pushing our partners away while fantasizing of someone or something better out there, which may or may not exist ---

I recommend journalling, writing - like I'm doing right now.

List/ vent everything bothering you about your partner - what pisses you off, makes you mad, sad, resentful, etc.

Look at that as surface level (example he's gone all day then comes home and sits on his phone.) Now look for the deeper feeling - it makes me feel unseen, unsupported, like our home and family doesn't matter to him, etc.

Give him a solution - what would you like to happen when he comes home?

a) vent to yourself the thoughts you're telling yourself.

b) understand the deeper meaning behind it.

c) express to him (without belittling, shaming or blaming) that when he does ______ it makes you feel _______.

d) be willing to listen - he had a hard day too, wants down time and doesn't always see how it's affecting you.

e) tell him what you need from him - "it would make me feel so good if first thing you do when you get home is acknowledge me and the kids - ask us how we're doing and give us your attention. THEN you can take some time to yourself."

d) let him. Don't demand what you want, rather express what you need and give him the opportunity to show up. If he does it, thank him, show your appreciation which will encourge him to keep doing it.

And when he falls out of new habit (which he will, we all do) be understanding yet firm in re-expressing that you loved it when he was _____________.

Encourage the behaviour you want out of him and if your relationship is meant to be, he'll come through.

And if he doesn't - you know you gave it your best shot and if the choice is to part ways do it on calm terms, simply because you know what you need and are deserving of receiving it.

answer :

Honestly - it's the relationships that raised me which were the hardest to be my best self around. While trying to understand myself and move away from old thoughts and habits, it's those who love me most that were the most triggering, reminders of what I don't want.

Instead of pushing them away, I learned to control my own state.

I removed myself when necessary and instead of lashing out, turned to my journal for expression. Only once I understood my own full-story, would I express to them what was going on internally.

Learn about yourself and what you need to create healthy boundaries - then respect them for yourself.

answer :

Ugh have you ever had something you know you need to let go of but you want to keep it at the same time? Self-limiting habits work that same way.

We created the thought, belief, personality trait or habit for a reason - it serves us in some way.

And now even though we see it's no longer helping us, it's comfortable. So we hold onto it and keep going back, even when we know it's bad for us.

That's why it's necessary to know who you want to be and the thoughts, beliefs, personality traits and habits of that person.

Every time the "old you" wants to think/act in a "old way".. you overpower yourself with the image of the new you.

Keep yourself future focused. And rememeber, everytime you choose to do something different, you shift the entire trajectory. Every time you respond the way you want to vs the way you were conditioned, you self-direct your future to match the one you want.