Is It You?
Aug 19, 2026
We sold my Range Rover yesterday.
I was so sad I couldn't even say goodbye.
It wasn't my decision, but it was the practical thing to do.
I didn't fight it because I understood.
I drive a black SUV now.
I was with my cousins in Calgary when I smoked the holy herb for the first time.
They brought me to a house party and shortly after had to hide me in the basement when the police came.
I was 14.
The next time was a with my still close friend, and her neighbour, who I liked.
I'm the youngest cousin.
Most summers we took the road trip to visit my mom's sister and her three kids.
One time, when they were visiting us, they tied me to the tree in our front lawn and left me there until the parents got home.
They also hung my cherished Barbies naked from the shower rod, locked me in their basement during a game of hide-and-seek and had me standing on a snowboard at the top of the stairs laughing that they were going to push me down.
But none of that was as bad as when the girls shut me out.
I could hear them with my sister in the bedroom, laughing with the door closed.
I tried crying to my mom, but she was busy with my aunt.
He was the worst for playing tricks, but during the times I was left out, I would find my oldest cousin in his bedroom playing video games.
He'd let me in, where I would just sit and watch.
It made me feel like I wasn't alone.
Almost a year ago my cousin and I hosted a mini retreat at my favourite place by the lake.
We followed up with a zoom call and have been hosting them together since.
She's my oldest cousins wife.
They've known each other since childhood and have been married over 20 years.
Aug 20, 2026
We moved to a new city before starting grade 6.
It was the first year of middle school and I remember standing outside waiting for the bell to ring, watching all the other kids catching up from summer vacation.
The first girl who talked to me was in my homeroom class and identified as a Wiccan.
The second was the locker below mine. She was into punk rock music with a quirky personality.
They were my first friends and I was grateful that I didn't have to sit alone.
After school for almost all of that year, I played Super Mario on the Nintendo in my mom's daycare.
And eventually, I won.
If we think of life like a video game, the point is always to level up,
get to the next level.
Each level is part of your evolution, which includes overcoming obstacles.
You move through the experience, learning the lessons as you die and come back over and over, gaining more knowledge each time.
And as you get to the end of the specific level you are on -- there is a Bowser waiting at the end which you must defeat before you can cross the finish line.
This final battle is not a force outside of you.
It's a version of yourself.
Our six year old went to a birthday party recently and came home asking why we don't live in a mansion like her friends.
(There's a lot of farms with big houses in our area.)
I told her we could, but we don't want to right now.
My first home was in a trailer park.
My mom worked at a video store and cleaned offices on the weekends.
I grew up listening to my parents fight about bills they couldn't afford.
My husband's parents came from China with nothing.
They worked in restaurants until they were able to open their own.
They didn't make it to any of their son's soccer games and worked 7 days a week.
Their 3 boys hung out in the back room or stayed home to play with the neighbourhood kids.
At 8 years old, David decided to make himself useful and started answering the phone, writing orders for his parents - then bringing the food to customers.
Most of the people we know share similar stories.
I met this guy's ex-wife during a vacation in Mexico a couple years ago.
She has an incredible personality and showed clear respect for him.
He has a strong reputation in the world of Network Marketing and after reading his book, I can see why.
As a leader, he teaches people to go for their material goals first.
The house, car, closet, luxuries we all want.
Not because they are most important,
but so that we can experience them and realize for ourselves that there is so much more to life.
My vision board used to have money goals, a specific brand of car, images of a big home with a dream closet and fancy shoes.
I wrote a fake cheque with an unrealistic number on it - David made it the following year.
I stretched the number and he earned it over 5 years ago.
With the number came more responsibility.
We got the house.
It was 3 levels with a big beautiful stair case and private back yard.
I loved it.
But, I spent most of my time cleaning, or thinking about the messes that needed to be cleaned.
Our toddler's room was upstairs.
If you have kids you know that half your life is spent in the kitchen.
It was a constant stress that I couldn't be in two places at once.
I got the things I wanted - and I was miserable.
Which put me in an identity crisis - what happens when you get everything you asked for and you're still not happy?
I felt totally lost - what do I want?
I told David I was unhappy.
Problem is, he wasn't. He felt proud of the life we built.
He gave me the dream - and I'm still not happy?
What more do I want?
I realized, I don't want more.
I want less.
Less responsibility.
Less time given away.
Less money being spent.
Less places to be.
I felt like an imposter trying to upkeep an image.
People were describing me as having the perfect life.
Which to be honest was the goal - I thought if I was perfect I would be happy.
I was running from the life I thought wasn't good enough.
I got very serious with the question:
what do I want?
I'd been so focused on the getting, I forgot what real pleasure feels like.
Being yourself.
Enjoying a moment without judging yourself.
We moved to a smaller house and I love it.
I can see both my children's rooms from the dining area.
I can hear them no matter where they are in the house.
And if I can't, we use walkie talkies.
We have a covered deck where our dog can lounge all day if she likes.
Most of the neighbours are friends who have lived in their homes for 30+ years.
They are welcoming, friendly and watch out for the kids playing in the streets.
My parents are within walking distance and his are a short drive away.
We're close to his work, which makes it easier for him to come and go between appointments.
Bigger is not always better.
I wouldn't know that if I didn't have the experience of getting what I thought I wanted.
I smoked weed/cannabis/marijuana/ganja with friends in grade 8 - got paranoid one time and never touched it again.
I had a reputation among David's friends for never using it, even though he always brought me to stand quietly in the circle.
I learned a lot through overhearing those conversations.
In 2020 when he got sick, I was under so much stress that when he offered gummies before bed I said yes.
I liked that it turned my mind off- the worries melted away and I could be present enough to enjoy the moment.
We spent most nights he was on bed rest ordering ice cream to our door while watching the entire Sons of Anarchy series.
I used to drink wine with friends and my mom.
David doesn't drink.
During the break through my first pregnancy, I realized how much I couldn't relate to conversations when I wasn't participating.
And I stopped wanting to relate.
I wanted to grow beyond the mindsets around me.
I don't define myself as a "non drinker" - I just don't drink.
Bob Proctor says,
"A paradigm is a mental program that has almost exclusive control over our habitual behaviour. And almost all of our behaviour is habitual.
Your paradigm controls:
Perception - which is your reality. When you change the way you look at something, your entire world changes.
Use of your time.
Creativity.
Effectiveness - how productive are you in the various areas of your life? (ex. success, money, relationships, health.)
Logic. If you can see it in your mind, you can hold it in your hand.
Ability to earn money."
He also says,
"Self Image is the silent architect to your life. It dictates what you believe you deserve.
You must align your self image (how you see yourself) with the paradigm you want."
And that..
"Your paradigm will fight you when you want to change it."
^^ That's your Bowser.
Hypnotherapist, Marisa Peer, teaches that the mind loves what is familiar and hates what is unfamiliar.
Even if it's hurting you.
Meaning,
you must make what's unfamiliar, familiar.
And what's familiar, unfamiliar.
That is accomplished through repetition.
Bob says,
"The emotion of feeling the new idea as you repeat it is imperative to plant the change in your subconscious."
But how do you feel an unfamiliar emotion?
My solution : is music.
You tap into the perspective of someone who's felt it.
Whose words/voice makes you feel it.
If you were able to start over, knowing what you know now, to create any life you want:
What do you want?
Imagine you are standing at a blank canvas, anything is possible.
No matter how crazy or outrageous it seems, if you can admit it - you can have it.
Now - what kind of person would you have to be to match with this life?
What characteristics would you adopt?
How would you dress?
How would you interact with people?
What attributes would be required for this new version of life to come true?
(confidence, persistence, charisma, etc)
Once you create the new version of life and yourself,
what songs/artists/genre/style of music makes you feel this way?
Who's perspective can you step into that helps you see yourself this way?
One of the hardest things we can do is be honest.
Because most of us learned that it's not safe.
We're terrified of rejection, being wrong, losing something we love or humiliating ourselves.
I learned a while ago that you can't take the first reaction personal - it's defence.
We're all scared, no one likes being called out and we don't often see our full selves.
The real conversation comes after the guard calms down.
My mindset mentor calls this your guard dog.
Over a year ago I put down a deposit for his 3 day training in Vegas at the end of October.
It's a group of business people - I don't even have a business.
And my baby will be 3 months old, it doesn't make sense for me anymore.
Also- I've been studying this stuff for over a decade, still reading and learning.
I'm not the one who needs the training.
It's my husband.
Because I want his time back.
Which means he needs to operate different.
So I asked if he could take my spot.
While me and our baby hang out at the hotel for 4 days.
I'm so excited.
The week before my daughter was born I spent focusing on feeling calm in my body.
I missed that feeling.
His schedule is unpredictable.
Which is a problem for me, because I want stability.
Sometimes it feels like people, including yourself, will never change.
But I've seen it so many times now, that I know it will come with time.
In the history of our almost 20 year relationship - it's always the same.
I see the adjustments that need to be made to reach the next level.
His inner Bowser fights me like I'm the bad guy.
Until one day, he hears the right words from a voice he can relate to - and almost instantly our entire world changes.
And he says,
"You were right."
First comes defence, then comes honesty.
With yourself and others.
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