A friend in your head.
- Andrea Tsen
- Jan 1
- 12 min read
Updated: Jan 1
What happens to us during an "awakening?"
"This transformation of consciousness brings us more happiness and true freedom. Awakening is the discovery of true freedom within us, beyond the limitations of thoughts, beliefs, and perceptions.
We can choose our thoughts and our focus of attention, rather than be subject to the habitual ones. We can question our beliefs and allow them to evolve with new understanding, as our perception widens and clarifies. Our freedom comes from within, from being masters of our awareness rather than slaves to old, conditioned, limiting ways of being."
At some point after 2020 I realized I was living the life I always wanted.
The spouse, house, baby, car, vacations, and extras. I married a man with a strong work ethic who receives fulfillment through providership. I like it that he can say he supports our home and it makes him feel good to do it.
After the birth of our daughter, I was spending way too much time in the house, got stuck in a "poor me I'm living in his shadow" mentality and honestly went a little off the rails.
Why is it, when things are going good, we start to self-sabotage?
I told him I was unhappy and blamed his absence, which had coincidently provided all of my dreams to come true.
I started craving independence, self exploration, new friendships and my own path. I've been in the personal development world for over a decade --- mostly trying to fix whatever I thought was "wrong with me." I think I wanted to prove to myself that I'm good enough, valuable and worthy of the life I was living.
I felt unhappy, alone and complained almost every day.
Every once in a while, like a breath of fresh air, I could see my life with gratitude -- but overall I was stuck in self pity.
And I blamed him for it.
I made him feel like he wasn't enough - which was a projection of my own feelings.
I started creating a fantasy world in my head, much like I did in childhood as a form of escapism.
I clung to the vision and ignored my reality, pushing those around me away and asking for space.
I saw something in my head that I wanted, filtered my perspective to make it feel true and rejected any thoughts telling me otherwise.
My family told me I was moody and I blamed it on the postpartum aspect of motherhood.
At the same time, I found people outside of my social circle that brought out new versions of me and expanded the way I see myself.
It was a hard period with a lot of really tough, deep conversations that I never thought I'd have the courage to say out loud.
But we made it through.
And even though I now see the delusion --- I don't regret a second of it.
I needed to see myself.
I had to see what I'm capable of.
The good and the bad.
I asked God/Source/Universe to show my true hearts desires, the habits holding me back, and the stories standing in my way.
I'm not someone to settle for "normal" and never wanted to live a realistic life.
I'm a dreamer. Not so much an action taker.
I got a stuck in a dream and lived mostly in my head.
I feel pretty confident to say I've come back down to Earth - it feels like my eyes are open. I know more clearly what I want and don't want and I'm aware, not afraid to admit, that I went temporarily crazy.
I met a mindset mentor a couple years ago and was in consistent communication with him. I took a break over the last couple of months and can feel the difference. It kept me on track in a subtle way - and I now see the value in having a friend for your mind.
I've witnessed a lot of couples break up recently, some totally justified. Others, I can't help but think one of the partners could be going through what I went through. What if they're caught up in a moment of delusion that they don't know they're in?
I think sometimes we give up on love too quickly because we don't think the other will understand, are scared to communicate our true feelings and we get stuck in our heads without clear vision.
I remember one day folding laundry while on the phone with someone struggling in her relationship; desires and confusion had entered her mind and she didn't know which direction to go.
I reminded her of what she already had,
by simply bringing attention to aspects of her partner she wasn't seeing at the time. She was swept up in a fantasy, filtering her POV to only the negative qualities. I pointed to the parts of their history that are irreplaceable, ways in which he is rare, and pulled out of her the reasons she loves him.
I never told her what to do, I just helped her see the full picture more clearly.
I learned to never make big decisions while in a downer phase, because your judgment is clouded.
I'm a trained Hypnotherapist, yet for some reason feel inadequate because I didn't sit in a classroom for years of my life.
However, I have a special gift that brings out authenticity in others. I don't know what it is, maybe because I'm open --- people tell me their thougths and feelings with trust. I've had countless people reveal their deepest truths, then tell me how surprised they are that they felt so comfortable with me and that they usually keep to themselves.
My mom's the same way. I think it's just in our energy where it's naturally felt we won't judge or make you wrong for it.
I'll never tell you what to do. I encourage honesty, clarity and decision making from a place of pure intention.
✍🏽
I was a chubby kid who felt left out by my sister, picked on by my cousins, clingy to my mom and had zero respect for my dad.
He's not a bad guy, and actually a really good listener now, we just didn't bond.
I was introduced to Martin Luther King Jr in grade 3, placing him as the male lead role in my mind. The idea of a peace movement and strength it takes to not fight back but stand your ground was admirable to me.
I was desperate for male attention, thought it was the best day of my life when the boy I liked called me hot, and got broken up with by my first boyfriend because I froze anytime he wanted to do more than make-out.
I used words to describe myself like fat and ugly. I didn't think I was smart and I never fully felt I fit in with any groups of friends. I always felt like an observer, watching life but never really living it.
David asked me to be his girlfriend when we were 16. For my first birthday together he took my parents, sister and I out to a fancier than our normal restaurant and paid the full bill. I was so impressed that he would take care of my family like that.
He confessed to me every wrong doing he'd ever done in all-nighter on the phone, and stuck by my side when I pushed him away while battling an eating disorder.
He loaned me money, which I paid back, for the boob job he told me I didn't need - and his family later provided my income, hiring me to work with them at their restaurant.
We sold it at the time we got pregnant, and I haven't had a job since.
I loved being his girlfriend, was proud as his fiance and honored when he introduces me as his wife. I feel truly that he will be there for me always, loves me unconditionally and I believe him when he says I'm the only one he wants.
We are pregnant with our second child, the completion to our family I've wanted more than anything else ------ yet I still can't find satisfaction in my day to day life.
A friend told me today that she understood me for the first time. She sees my life as perfect (I get that a lot) so when I say I'm unhappy she's confused and doesn't get it.
I can't sit in a problem - I see what's not working, dissect it until I understand, then find a way to fix it. That's how I got into self-development -- wanting to better myself and learn how to create a life I truly desire.
But we all have problems. It truly does not matter how good your life is or looks -- no one is exempt from the lessons which comes as contrast --- things we don't want.
I think that's what inspired my journey of seeking validation -- I wanted to feel seen.
I grew up in an environment where we bonded over talking sh*t and read gossip magazines about celebrities.
When you tell people how good your life is going, they tend to pull away, often because they are unable to relate.
When you tell someone how bad your life is going, it's usually pretty easy to dive into conversation, gain a sympathetic reaction and bond through relatability.
We love to complain.
Why is that?
I think it's how most of us received connection. We learned to connect through our problems.
But what if you were surrounded by people who want to celebrate the wins, encourage each other to keep going and share related experience of how great things are?
It's an entirely different frequency.
For a while, I leaned into the identity of his wife and it brought me security, a social life and a purpose within our home. His business started growing and recognition came with it.
I got jealous.
His life felt like it was taking off, gaining signficance and purpose in something he worked really hard for. He deserves every little bit of success and I feel so grateful to have been a part of the process.
I guess I just started feeling un-relatable.
I didn't have a lot of friends at the time on the same projection of growth and I kept getting told that my life was perfect --- even though inside I felt I wasn't living my potential.
I couldn't complain to gain connection, because that just sounds ungrateful.
And I wasn't truly happy enough to authentically show up in a social circle of confidence.
In our relationship it's known that none of it would have happened without each other and the support, freedom and guidance we've offered along the way -- but in the world it felt like I was fading into the background.
I wanted to prove to myself that I'm capable of being more than a good wife.
I received a DM from a mindset guy, said yes to the invitation, listened closely to what he said and started exploring my options.
I ended up writing a book, discovered my own method of self-healing, have been asked to invest my time and energy into multiple business' who appreciate my encouragement and I finally graduated from the dark cloud of infertility.
I've learned that I have commitment issues -- not to others but to myself.
I own the fact that I self-isolate to avoid being a bitch; and that as nice as I am, I can energetically reject in a way that's made people scared of me. (My parents and sister say they're afraid to talk to me in fear they'll piss me off.)
I shut down easily and remove myself -- I say it's so I can heal and move through the trigger but maybe it's just a bad habit of avoidance?
I care deeply about being a good mom, yet often feel a lack of inspiration, dis-satisfaction and impatience when it's all I've got going on.
I wish I could be blissful and happy in the life others dream about. I'm proud overall of what we've created thus far ------- I just feeeeeel like there's something else I want to be doing.
Something for me. Not to be liked, helpful or to impress others, just purely because I enjoy the way I feel when I'm doing it or the people I'm doing it with.
I want to impact others, I want to bring joy to the world, spread positive light and a be part of something that matters.
I'm also afraid of everything and don't like doing anything on my own.
Except writing -- I love writing.
My first paid Hypnotherapy client was recommeneded through a friend. She said all good things after the session. My husband met her at a Networking Event last year where she praised me and said that it went great.
The point of hypnotherapy is to put the client into a relaxed state so we can speak directly to the subconscious part of our mind. Memories that you are unaware of come the to surface, witnessing your inner child's experiences like a movie on a screen.
We travel back to the root cause of whatever issue is presenting itself and holding the client back in their life today. We go back to three scenes looking for a pattern, typically experiences that happened around age 2, somewhere between 5 - 10 and often as a baby. It's not what happened that matters but the story the client told themselves to interpret the event.
Kids will never blame their parents and think "what's wrong with you?"
They will always look at themselves and think "what's wrong with me?"
During the time, I had a three year old daughter myself. The session was good for the client but triggering to me. The parent's reactions are rarely intentional and the interpretation is hard to predict.
I realized how easy it is to f*ck up your kid and reflected on all ways I could be making her feel rejected without knowing it. I developed deep mom guilt and realized I couldn't help anyone else until I get myself and home on track.
Parenting is about creating a safe space of unconditional love and providing guidance on how to be human. How do you offer those things when you haven't learned to give them to yourself?
I'm passionate about working with parents.
I believe emphasis should be on self responsibility first, productive partnership and how to create a space of non-judgment that supports positive growth for your child.
I think it is highly important to build a social life, a network of encouragement, friends who will listen and unbiased relationships that give you truth.
If every parent focused on self ownership, we could raise an entire generation who doesn't need therapy.
I mess up all the time. I can be impatient and reactive just like anyone else. The difference is that I notice my behaviour quickly, swooping in to control the narrative.
I don't allow her to self blame because I come back with an apology. I tell her I'm sorry for my reaction, then explain the lesson of where it came from. If she misbehaved I don't excuse her, I simply inform that I should have responded differently.
We talk through the scenario until both of us feel satisfied and I listen to her with openness and presence. I don't make her feel wrong because I know she is learning. It's not my job to punish her but to provide guidance.
When she's acted in a way I don't like - we talk about it until she understands why. When we scold without reason, the kid often doesn't even know what they're in trouble for. This is where they start guessing and make up stories that they simply are not enough, a bad kid, unwanted, uncared for and or unworthy.
She tells me the truth and at 5 years old confides in me for everything because she knows she is safe to do so.
I taught her early that I will never be mad as long as she tells the truth. The conversation started because she pooped her pants (around age 2) and lied to me about it. I told her I already knew so there was no point in lying. She's grown with honesty and I've held true to non-judgement.
I'm able to hold space for her, because I've learned how to hold space for myself.
Sometimes, I think life feels extra hard because we are caught up in a story we don't realize we're in. When you can find a safe person to vent the story, their understanding and validation alone is often enough to pop the bubble and bring you clarity. Once you feel seen, you start thinking with your eyes open and make decisions from the full picture versus a limited point of view.
I love this kid more than anything else on the planet. I miss her when she's not around and she brings light to anyone who knows her. She's also a mini me, so we fight all the time. I've had to reclaim my own sass so that I can beat hers, and I do it by understanding where she's coming from through my own experience.
My wish for all parents is that they get to know their kid. Like, truly know them. When kids feel seen they open up and creativity flows through. They offer so much love, forgiveness and connection to play, that most of us have forgotten. As challenging as it is, becoming a parent is incredibly self-healing - when you give yourself the time, energy and priority to grow.
I invested in myself so that I could, and continue to, become the mother she deserves. She only has one and I plan to keep it that way, which also means working on the relationship with our partners.
I've learned to lean into the big Father, for guidance to help me with her father.
Every woman I know who respects her partner as a parent, thinks it's a major turn on. Many of us watched our moms feel alone, like the weight was on her shoulders; and we saw our dads on the couch watching TV or drinking with his buddies. Lots of us have PTSD from an angry Dad who didn't know how to help or provide the emotional safety we needed.
Our partners have the opportunity to help us heal from this, but we need to stop projecting and they need to pave a new way.
Providing emotional safety always works in their favor and often leads to the physical connection they crave. However when they haven't learned step one, she feels unsupported and uninterested in step two.
I believe in our generation and think we have the insight, resources and accessibility to really make a difference in our own lives, the lives of our children and be a major part of creating "the new world."
First, we gotta find a way to get happy. It's hard to do anything while sitting in victim mode.
So how do we pull ourselves out, kickstart the process and simply raise our vibration?
I do it with music.
Playlist 🎵
If you're interested in a Talk Therapy session with me,
Reflect: what story are you currently telling yourself that's holding you stuck?
Create: knowing what you don't want, what do you want?
Install: what is a simple action you can take today that gets you closer to the life and results you want?
🙏🏽
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